Day 17 - The Tears Returned

On Day 15 I mentioned how surprised I was at the ease at returning to the work out routine after a week's hiatus. Well, I have had two more days of workouts now and I am beginning to wonder if I was imagining things.

At first things went great today. I walked in, small talked with a few people at the front counter. I even met Kimmie, a person that has left a few comments in the Blog. Being Wednesday, it's Adults Only day at the facility, the water was almost still. I felt like I was the only person there.

My normal workout seemed fine. In fact, I felt tired but encouraged, so I stayed in the water for a few extra minutes. Then, when I reached the stairs to exit the pool, gravity took it's toll on my wonderful experience. I felt like I weighed 1,000 pounds. OK, so I do weigh almost that much, but still, it felt worse than normal. When I reached the dressing room I was almost pushed over by the difference of temperature from the pool area. I took my shower and headed to the Sauna, I wanted to spend a few minutes in there to try and raise my core temp. As I sat on the warm wooden bench, heat drying beads of moisture off of my back, I was overcome with emotion. I sobbed for at least 5 minutes. I was relieved that no one came into the heated space while I was overcome.

I felt so tired that I wondered how I was going to get dressed. After a few more minutes I regained my control, took a deep breath, and headed to my locker. To my relief there was no one there most of the time while I dressed.


When I got to the counter I exchanged keys and Dad was ready and waiting to go home. I asked him to drive and I sat and moped. I realized that I was not only tired but also overwhelmed with self dislike. I no longer have the confidence I had in my youth. Striking conversations with people is difficult, or nearly impossible most of the time. If someone talks to me, I try to communicate but quickly lose track and cannot figure out what to say to keep in the person to person communication. Normally, I'll try to be polite and then seek a reason to exit as soon as possible. Talking about this really uncomfortable for me, especially since I know that others may read these words. I am hoping that somehow my honesty will help someone else that identifies with my experience, and they will benefit somehow.

I may find it difficult to communicate with others. I may not like my appearance. I may not even know what I am doing in this world. However, I will no longer hide and let these feelings keep me from experiencing health, success, and joy in life. I have been shut out from the world for so many years I guess I have gotten out of touch. My appearance and pain tends to hold me back. That is why I have started this one hour a day 5 - 6 times a week exercise program. It's a step toward getting back my life. I am expecting that over time my other challenges will peel away and become my past and no longer my present or future.

I just wish it was faster. I have been doing this program for a month, 17 actual work out days, I'm not skinny yet. I don't look any different at all. Gee, in this instant society, why can't I just turn the dial on my microwave and get skinny in 30 minutes. They do it on TV all the time!