Day Ten - At Last

It was a wonderful Christmas and the following days were thrilling and a challenge. As I entered the week I was already struggling because of the increased physical activity. Then, by taking the kids to the mainland, two times, I was ready to sleep for a week.

When I woke this morning I took care of a few things, very few, and went back for more rest. Eventually I was able to rise. I stretched out the kinks and spent the morning with Bryce. Hollie is spending a few days with other family. Bryce & I enjoyed Final Fantasy VII, taking turns reading the character conversations. I am amazed at the technology in the PS3 (Play station Three). When I was younger we were overjoyed with the new game called "Pong." Then when my kids were kids, we bought nearly every game machine that came out. Or at least my check book told me I had.

As I reflect on my youth I was a comic book reader. I loved Superman, Batman, and other super hero's. I was influenced, for example, by the value/belief system that Superman had. In a way I think I tried to emulate some of his self control and integrity. In a kids way, with understandable mistakes. Now, looking at the main characters of the Final Fantasy VII game, I see that they also have a set of values that can influence the judgment and choices of this generation. At least some game manufacturers seem to understand that need and potential for positive influence.

When I got to Island Athletic I was unsure if I could actually undertake the physical demands. I changed my clothes, showered, and headed to the moisture. Within 15 minutes I wanted to give up, I looked at Dad, who was doing his water walking, his determination helped me continue. On a scale of 1 - 10, since I have done 10 workouts, this is my 9th most challenging. I lasted an hour. WOW, I made it, I kept my commitment. What a powerful feeling, I may be tired but I followed through. All I have to worry about now is finishing the day. I'll worry about tomorrow when it is today.

Day Ten - Not Yet

Today is the 25th. I have not been able to go swimming since Saturday. Sunday the Lord give me off. Monday, my kids, Hollie & Bryce arrived. They will be with me until Jan 3rd. Tuesday we spent on the "mainland," which is so named by those of us who live on Whidbey Island. The four of us (Me, Hollie, Bryce, and a friend of his) went to an early movie, shopping, lunch, traffic, lines, more traffic, lines, and a ferry ride home to the island. No room in the schedule for my personal health goals.

Wednesday, Christmas, of course. I checked the pool schedule and they decided to take the day off for their own families. So, I did the same. The kids, Grandparents, and I, made a mess on the living room floor. Tape, wrapping slivers, and cookie crumbs galore. I got some wonderful slippers, they feel like cloud pillows.

I doubt that tomorrow will work out either. I need to take the kids to the mainland again. I think I am starting to experience withdrawals. My big concern is that making a life changing habit is difficult. It gets even harder when interrupted early in the process. Life cannot be allowed to get in the way too many times before the effort is lost and desire slowly becomes a wish then fades into the shadows. I hope to get back at the pool by the 27th.

Day Nine - Tossing Kids Around

Short note. In the pool today there was a Father and Daughter having a total party together. He was pushing 35+ she was 5+, a perfect pair. He was lifting her above his head, she was stretching her arms to the sky, and with a hefty shove the little angel took to flight. Over and over again, she fell into the deluge and came up laughing.

She kept exclaiming mind provoking phrases. Dad, I see a molecule, look, right there. I hit the bottom with my head, do it again. That one gave me a wedgie. My head hit again, keep doing. I struggled to keep my own giggles from becoming explosive. At one point the Father looked at me and said "This is one of the few times you can get away with throwing your kids around."

I survived another day. I felt so good at the end of my hour that I decided to keep splashing for a while. That's me, push, push, push, always. It was a recipe for success in my youth. Ever since my accident it seems like the formula for self controlled failure. Seems like I push so hard that my pain climbs out of control. I have been trying to keep myself in check this time. Today I went too far and ended up dripping wet, cold, and sobbing in the dressing room.


Do you want a mini tour of the swimming area? I could not show the dressing room, the management does not allow filming there for some reason. :)

Day Eight - Who's Crabby?

You probably noticed that there is no Day Seven. I did go to the pool and do my routine, but writing in my blog was out of bounds. I woke up feeling cranky, crabby, angry, and everything else in between. Why? I dunno, I had a few ideas why I was cranky, but now I think it was just "stuff" finally coming out of my mind as my body has been doing it's job. I have heard that our bodies store emotions if we do not attend to them when experienced. As we exercise and do healthy things for our bodies, they have to clean out all of that stored up junk, to make way for good things to come. If that is the case, then watch out world, there will be plenty of unpredictable days in the future. Did I store up a ton of anger? I think I've stored lots of things over the years. I am one of those "grit your teeth and finish it. No pain, no gain" guys from way back.

I was so out of things last night that I went to bed three hours early. It took me a while to finally reach unconsciousness, but it happened. I watched another movie from the "50 mysteries" dvd set that Bryce gave me. "The Shadow," it was a unique break from reality.

This morning I was not as sore as I have been since I started this whole process. Stiff? Yes, I was still stiff, and as I started my morning routine I discovered many sore muscles. My Mother tells me that this kind of soreness is a "GOOD FEELING." Sure is Mom, I rank it right next to having a big toe removed. I do understand that there is going to be discomfort as my body experiences new demands. I used to work out 4 - 6 hours a day when I was a younger man. However, right now I think I would rather hide under the blankets. Will I? Absolutely not! I have made it this far, I think I can keep going one more day. From my perspective that is the key to success right now. Not thinking about the hundreds of days ahead, just today. Then, when I finish my workout, I can worry about tomorrow. Any more and it starts feeling overwhelming and I wanna run away.



One problem that people with diabetes have is tender feet. I mean really tender. Think of the most tender part of your body, that is how tender. Dad found some water shoes that looked like a nice way to handle sore feet in the water. The only problem is they were hard to get on and off. He came up with a great solution, a knife. He trimmed off the back of the shoes and turned them into slippers. Now when we want to walk to and from the pool we can use the slippers to protect our feet. He also uses them to do water walking.




When Dad & I arrived at the facility everyone seemed to be smiling and focused on things other than me. The staff was polite and the patrons seemed immersed in their own world. In fact I didn't feel any eyes staring at me at all, at first. Then a few moments later I felt like everyone was looking and thinking mean thoughts. My fear started to climb, the adrenalin rushed to my brain and the desire to flee blasted through my body. It took me a few moments to regain control and I realized that it was all my perception, no one was staring, no one was mean, no one even noticed me, they had other things to worry about. Hmm, nice discovery.

When I got into the pool it was filled with kids at play, parents having fun, and distractions all over the place. I walked down the stairs and got right to bobbing and splashing. It was not as difficult this time. I felt like I was not even working some of the time. When the hour was over I was tired, but not exhausted. I also noticed that my anger and frustration had almost disappeared. It was a liberating day.




After I dried and dressed I walked to the front counter for the "key exchange." Dad was already waiting and we headed to the car. As I passed Island Athletic's holiday display I smiled. I can't say that things are easier now, just that I am encouraged, I have completed 8 days! That feels like an accomplishment. I am looking forward to reaching 9 days.

Day Six - Distraction Technique

My how the body likes sleep. Getting up has become a progressively greater challenge. I suspect this will pass within a few weeks. A good note is that my legs were not as angry when I used them this morning. Other areas were still reporting in as usual.

My Father had a Doctor's appointment today and he was unable to go swimming with me. As the clock ticked away, my apprehension increased the closer I got to 2:30pm. By mid morning the beast of FEAR was screaming at me. It's funny how the loss of companionship can cause our fears to increase. I decided to just ignore the pessimist and pretend that my Dad was coming with me anyway. The trick worked, until I headed for the kitchen door and reality took control. My feet were already moving and I just followed along to see what happened next.

On my way to the pool I dropped off another NetFlix envelope. I'm actually sending those DVD's back faster now, because I pass the USPS every day. My "pending rentals" queue will empty out faster now. So I guess that is a good thing. It's a great deal.... wait a minnit, I'm not getting paid for this sales pitch so I'll get back to the subject at hand.

As I entered the facility I felt like the eyes were hard at work. I know it's probably all in my imagination. Just because I think people are looking at me, does not mean that they aren't. It may be in my head, but who really knows for sure. Wow what a mind trap. :)

When I neared the Men's dressing room a kind person was coming out. He wanted to talk so I paused. He mentioned reading my blog and we exchanged a few sentences. Then my mind went blank. I have a difficult time talking to people, especially face to face. I worry so much about what to say that my mind goes blank. So I smiled at him and moved into the dressing room. I think he wanted to keep talking but I was not sure what to say, and I had been on my feet for too long. The last thing I wanted to have happen was to collapse right in the middle of everything.

The pool was empty, I mean no one in sight, for about 2 minutes. Then a few others arrived. Today is Adults Only day so no children allowed. As I splashed back and forth I realized how much I like watching the youngn's swim and play. It provides a powerful distraction from the task at hand. When I was in the Hospital 20 years ago I participated in an in-house Pain Control Program that taught me the "distraction technique." Meaning that our minds can only focus on a few things at a time. To help reduce the perception of pain - add distractions. TV shows, games, anything that keeps the mind occupied. Without the distractions pain perception increases and a cycle of pain to sadness to more pain to more sadness develops.

While doing my swim routine I have been using these distraction techniques without even realizing it, until today, when the distractions were gone. Wow it was difficult to keep moving for a while, until I realized what was happening and I started focusing on other things. I had to get creative, I looked at rust on little nuts, water dropping from the ceiling, foam near the wall, anything that could occupy my attention for a while. To my delight the distraction were working so well that I didn't even want to get out when my hour had passed. I lasted an extra 8 minutes. Not much, but, it was 8 more minutes of blood pumping and body moving.

When I got home the easy chair looked wonderful. I wanted to sit down and start writing, but it was hard to get my head cleared. In fact, I found that I was feeling fairly crabby for the rest of the day. It was difficult to not let my pain do the talking when interacting with others. I messed up a few times and felt bad for coming across harshly. When it happens there is not much I can do than wait until I am in better control and make my apologies.

I am looking forward to getting wet again tomorrow. I can feel changes in my muscles. Nothing major, but the soreness is actually encouraging, it means that I have been using the little buggers and forcing them to work harder. Over time that will spell strength and increased physical activity.

What follows is a mini-vid of me getting ready to splash. Brooke was trying to help me take a few pictures but the camera was in video mode.

Day Five - Awake Yet?

In the morning I usually wake up a few hours beofre the alarm starts blasting. My bladder wants to burst first. I get up, visit the li'l boys room, take my morning pharmaceuticals and head to bed for another hour. This morning was not different, until the hour came and went, I was snoring like a puppy after lunch. The alarm shattered my dreams, it was crazy trying to hit that little button, it kept moving all over the place. Being a little stiff and in view of the spinning room I closed my eyes for a second, wham, it was another hour +. What happened?

Dad asked me to take some pictures of he & Ginny before our 2pm swim trip. It was fun seeing them smile next to our creative Christmas tree. You've gotta see this thing, it's a permanent resident of our living room. We assembled it out of garage & attic type spare parts a few years ago and it has stayed in the living room ever since.


When we arrived at the pool I was encouraged to see the lot only 1/2 full of vehicles. We got to park close to the entrance, less walking, a treat. No Super Models trading keys, just regular old people. Hmmm, has my perspective changed or are these different staff members? I dunno.






I was delighted to discover that the far lane was waiting just for me. I was distracted by the sight of the empty lane and as I descended down the stairs, my feet slipped and whoops, I made a less than perfect kapow into the water. I coasted along the bottom until my excess fat pulled me to the surface. As I was struggling to regain my balance Brooke, the lifeguard, chuckled and asked me if I had done that on purpose. I thought about making up a story but out I blurted "Nope, I slipped on the stairs." Quickly turning and heading to my desired lane for splashing fun.





After about 10 minutes the pool started filling up and Dad joined me in the lane. Now it was my turn to move faster, I got to pass HIM a few times. It was not a fair comparison because I was bobbing and jumping while he did water walking, which is slower. Who cares, it felt great to be in the water, winning, and splashing again!

A few minutes later I was almost spent and I started asking people what time we had arrived. To my dismay we had only been in the water for 20 minutes. Ughhh, I was ready to get out. Nope! I refused to give up. I kept moving in spite of my energy level. After a few more minutes I got my second wind and I was able to finish the hour without too much unexpected agony.

There were two girls, sisters, about ages 3 & 4 getting lessons. I lost myself in their excitement. Nothing seemed to scare them as they kicked and coughed. Their smiles were amazing. I was reminded of my early days in the pool. My Mom called me a fish because I loved being in the water. If I could not get to a swimming area, I just took 3 or 4 baths a day.

When Mom enrolled me in swimming lessons life got really fun. Evans Pool, at Greenlake, in Seattle. I advanced through the first few levels of lessons fast. I didn't even think of them as lessons I was having so much fun. The teachers were showing me stuff I had never thought of so it was great.

Day Four - Tears

This morning the carpet cleaning man came by and made our traffic areas smell sweet and look brand new. I stayed in bed, groaned, and watched movie from my "50 Mystery Movies" dvd set that Bryce (my son) sent me. The flick helped keep my mind off of the screaming neurons.

Dad told me that he wanted to swim with me again today. Cool, at 2:30pm he drove again. When we got to Island Athletic the lot was jammed, we had to get creative with the parking. Inside the facility machines were whirring, bikes were clicking, weights were slamming, and eyes all peering at me (or at least I thought they were).

The dressing room was filled with people in varied stages of arriving or departing. I pushed a few shoes to the side and slumped on a bench. Dressing was less than fun. It's strange, when I was a life guard I never gave changing a thought. What did I care what others thought. Now I am excessively conscious, an interesting turn of perspective.


When I got to the pool, it was also enjoying increased attention from customers. Every lane had people and I was going to have to share. Gee, this should be easy, just keep to the right like always. Then SHE stopped (a swimmer in my lane) and suggested that we each take one side of the lane and go back and forth. I was worried about what happens when a third person arrives but I agreed. As I bobbed up and down, back and forth, SHE passed me 2 or 3 times for each single lap I did. What a humbling experience. I used to be the one lapping everyone else in the lane, now I am the slow poke, what a funny reverse of life. About half way through my swim day, SHE stopped, we exchanged a few words. Nice lady, but SHE was faster than me, boo hoo hoo.

I think back to my youth, words like "Don't worry young manm you will understand what it's like to be old, eventually. When that happens, you will remember our conversation." My face burns red as the truth becomes self evident.

When my hour was up I was ready to get out of the pool. I felt really tired. Which is interesting since today is Monday and I've just had a day off. My legs are shaking as I prepare to leave the water. The trek to the shower was actually scary, I was not sure if I was going to make the trip. I collapsed on the stool in the handicap shower.

When I got to the dressing area, I sat on the bench and quietly sobbed into my towel. I was so tired I didn't know how I was going to dress. If it was not so cold outside I would have gladly stuffed all my clothes in the roll away bag and walked in my birthday suit to the car. After five minutes I finally gained composure, I dressed sloppily and moved to the exit.

Dad was waiting by the key exchange counter. I purchased some grapefruit juice and an energy bar. We walked to the car without saying much and headed to the Shell Shack for a burger. I was unable to eat the energy bar, it had too many nuts and hard things, I am missing too many teeth to be able to chew that much (another story for later).

I am really excited to have finished 4 days of swimming. I have a firm goal to keep splashing. The water has always been a joy for me, it will be again.

Day Three - Saturday & Fun

I told Dad that I was going to swim today and he said he wanted to join me. Cool, I get to have someone else face the fear with me. We use his car, it is a shorter walk from the house, nice break for my already tired legs.

Dad helps me out by taking some pictures that I can use in the blog. He does pretty good too, only cut my head off a few times, ouch. Let me get a band aid before I continue. Actually he did great and I appreciate his help. Thanks, Dad, I love you.

We swapped keys with the super model at the front counter, hmm a new one, but skinny. I don't even want to look around, my fear is high enough as it is.

The water seemed a little colder. I think they must have a temperature set back at the end of the day or something. It might just be the air was colder because the sun was going down. Or it could have just been my imagination.

As I did my bobbing and kicking I actually try small talk with one or two people. This is a stretch for me since I have been so introverted these last few years. No one bites me or even barks, hmm was all that fear in my mind? Amazing how strange and fearsome things get cooked up in our grey matter when we are alone and miserable.

Wow an entire hour over already. I make my way to the stairs and take on gravity again. Man oh man it was hard this time. I almost felt like giving up.

Day Two - Swimming

I survived the first day. Next morning, my eyes crack open and the brightness of day attacks my brain. AM I ever excited. I get to go swimming again! Then my body starts to stir. Creek, groan, grumble, ouch, my legs, arms, back, neck, head, and everything in between announces their desires - DON"T MOVE YOU SILLY PERSON.

Wow, am I sore. My pessimist mind suggests that today is not a good day for swimming. Millions of reasons flood my mind. Things like cardiac arrest, more pain than I can handle, inability to walk, stupidity of effort, etc. Then my positive mind interrupts - hey Miles, you made a promise. You said that you were going to swim one hour a day 5 - 6 time a week. That means you get a break on Sunday. Until then, you are mine Mister. Get up, empty your XXXXX, never mind. Get going for the day.

OK, OK, OK you win, I made the commitment, I'll keep it, until I either beat this porker body or I die trying. My pessimist mind intercedes with the thought, Hey, death might be nice right now. You will stop hurting. I don't want to think about that. I'll get up, do my morning stuff, and hit the pool around, what time? I dunno, gotta look at the schedule.


The morning proceeds fine, as long as I stay in the easy chair and try not to move. Finally the clock reaches the moment of truth. Before I can talk myself out of it, I get up (slowly) and stuff my roll away bag with my stuff. I head for the door and grumble, "I'm going swimming." I hear the echo's of "great job" and other words of encouragement from Dad & Ginny, which makes me blush and wish I had crawled out the back door instead. It was a relaxing drive to Island Athletic.

I park the car and start walking to the entrance.

It is difficult to walk into the building for three reasons.

1. My pain is higher because of the silly hour I spent just 24 hours a go.
2. I don't like going in public because I feel like everyone is staring at me.
3. When I look inside the entrance PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AT ME.




Well, here comes the walrus, get out of my way or get ready to be bumped into. I'm tired, in pain and on a mission.

I grab the handle to the door and groan. It feels really heavy today. Is it in my mind or have they added a few hundred pounds to the hinges?



Now for the fun part. I get to exchange car keys for the locker key & some towels. For two years this type of interaction has been difficult for me. I'm not sure why, I have just found face to face people stuff uncomfortable. However, for the last week those fears seem to be minimized to a dull squeak in the back of my mind. I noticed this fear lessening about a week after I started taking those magic nutrition tablets that Dad & Ginny gave me.


I pass my keys, get the towels and lean on the counter. I now get to walk past all the skinny people as I head into the dressing room. What a joy, I can hardly wait for all those stares and silent "he should not eat so much" unspoken words. My positive mind interrupts and reminds me of what my Dad & Dick said (I'll introduce you to dick in a few weeks), "Miles, most of those people are probably amazed that you have the courage to be there and they admire you for taking the first step to health." I feel emotionally stronger and push off from the counter.




My legs are tired, I've got sit down soon. I briskly walk to the stall so I can change into my pup-tent.



The room is nearly empty. At least I get to change without the eyes on my back.



Get ready. I'm going to face my fears and show some photo's of me in my swim suit. This is nothing comfortable for me. So, if you ever see me IRL (In Real Life) please pretend that you never read my blog. Thanks, it will enable me to keep writing.


OK, Enough of these scary photo's.




I'll now go hide in the water.






So look as long as you want. I'm getting out of this room.









When I get to the swimming pool, I am surprised to find it empty. Oops, one person doing laps. GREAT, I have the pool all to my self. I make my way to the stairs and descend into the pool. I don't want to repeat the first day loss of footing experience.

Again I plan on doing laps, but the lap lanes are missing. The pool is one big open playground, just for me. I have a great day, bobbing up and down, going back and forth, splashing, kicking, blowing bubbles, making a party out of my gravity free time in the water.

I spent one hour and ten minutes in the water and then had to face gravity again. It is astonishing how heavy I feel as I slowly emerge from the water.

The end of my swim day had no surprises. It was difficult getting back to the car, I felt more tired today. By the time I got home, I was feeling the effects of the swim. I barely made it to the easy chair. I looked forward to going to bed at the end of the day.

Day One - In the water

Well it only took me 2 years and hundreds of days of fear to finally handle going into the pool. Face it, Before I was injured in the December 1986 car accident, I was a trim 180 pounds, 5 foot 11 inches of sleek Greek God type dude. 45 minutes after my car was rear ended by a U-haul truck, I started to hurt all over my body. For a year I was in therapy and was starting to get back on my feet, life was good. Then November 1987, on the same street, I was rear ended, again, by another vehicle. This time I spent 1/2 of the next year in various hospitals in traction and therapy.

My Doctor threw the file in the air and said, "well Miles, you are probably going to hurt for the rest of your life, you might as well get used to it." Right, like the guy strapped to a table, with his head under a slow stream of water drops gets used to Chinese Water torture. It gets worse every second. It's been more than 20 years and I may be used to constant pain, but that doesn't make it any easier to live.

Enough of the poor me stuff. A few months ago my Doctor, the wonderful Adrian Call, told me that my body was not going to get any better without exercise. "You are no longer 180 pounds, you are now 360 and growing. Diet alone will do nothing for you. The only choice you have is to exercise for 1 hour each day five days a week! Now, since you are so large, you cannot handle anything that impacts your body, your pain will not allow it. I suggest you go into a pool and move for one hour each day. Water is low impact, you can move freely without feeling the effects of gravity. Miles, it is your only choice. If you do nothing , you are going to die. Do you know why there are no studies about the long life of obese people? Because they die early, they die fast, and they die because their body cannot handle the weight."

I asked Dr. Call about my heart and risks, he said that my heart would handle the strain. Don't worry about checking your heart rate, just make sure you can still speak a normal sentence without difficulty. If you can do that, you are not at risk." So I go to the pool, move bqack and forth, do as much as I can, but make sure I am not so out of breath that talking is difficult. OK, sounds fine. Wait a minnit, I have to go into a swimming pool with nothing but a swim suit on. Og man, that is a problem. I AM FAT. REALLY, REALLY FAT.

I remember when I was a kid, when I saw porkers I said to myself, they should just stop eating and start exercising, it's their own fault. Now I am on the other end of the street, I am the porker, I tried to watch my diet, and I did as much physical activity as my pain allowed. I got fat slowly, until I reached 245 pounds. Then in less than a year my weight shot up to 360 pounds. It was like a nightmare, no matter what I did, I kept packing on the pounds. I craved sweets and energy foods, all day long. I was falling asleep every few minutes, had low energy, my pain was higher and my body was out of control.

I went to the Doctor, at the time I was living in Idaho Falls. Finally, we did a 8 hour blood sugar screening, which showed that I was developing Diabetes. The next time I saw the Doctor, he said "well, we know why you have gained weight so fast, you have a blood sugar problem. Take these pills twice a day, watch your sugars and be careful with your diet. You are developing Type II diabetes."

Wow, it was like a miracle, within a few weeks I was not falling asleep as much. My energy was higher, and my cravings way down. My weight was in check and I felt like I might actually be able to start losing weight. I started a physical therapy program, and a diet regimen. I started losing weight. I got down to 340. Then My wife & I went through divorce. My life got crazy. I had to move to Washington. My weight loss dropped to 330 lbs. Then, stalled.

I entered a terrible state of depression, another story. My life stopped. I struggled for a few years. My weight climbed back up to 360. My youngest son moved back to his mothers house. I'm all alone.

Dr. Call tells me to start swimming. I don't know if I can face the stares and giggles. I spend months in therapy with a wonderful counselor, also another story. A week ago, Dad & Ginny (My Dad and Step Mother, who are letting me live in a few rooms of their home) gave me some nutrition capsules. They looked like the other 500 products that I have tried over the last 21 years of pain and suffering. I take one packet in the morning and another packet in the afternoon. A few days later, life is not so scary (I'll tell you more about the scary feelings another time). In fact, I start imagining myself going to the local pool, signing up, and donning that fat man swim suit that could double for a 2-man pup-tent.

Fast forward to Thursday, December 13, 2007, 1:30pm. I finally get up the nerve. I grab my rolling backpack, stuff it with toiletries, towel, the fat man pup-tent, and a few other things. Head out the door, grumble to my Dad, "I'm going swimming" and head to the car before I can change my mind. On my way to the facility, I stop by the post office to drop off my NetFlix movies. My stomach grumbles. Oops, I forgot to eat today. I was so nervous this morning I never got around to facing the kitchen (I can only stand for 1 - 3 minutes at a time).

SO I zip over to "The Shell Shack" a local burger joint that runs out of the back of a Shell gas station. Talk about a pun on the word greasy spoon, while you are waiting for burgers you get to see the service station change oil for $24.95 a pop. Hmmm, it's probably my burger grease going into that Toyota. Oops, I got distracted for a moment.

I wolf down the dead cow, and start the car. It drives it's self to the swimming pool place (I'm too scared to move). Island Athletic Club, looks daunting from the outside, I cannot even see where the pool is located from the front door. OK, I have 3 minutes before I feel like collapsing so I will have to make the enrollment fast. I walk to the front desk, "Hi, I want a one month swim pass" The Super Model staff member asks me if I have had a tour yet, "We have a wonderful..." Excuse me mam, I am in alot of pain. Can I please just pay and find out where the pool is please. She checks herself, being bumped out of the memorized script early. "Yes, sir, I just need your payment of $XXXX for a one month trial membership. Did you know this comes with a 30 minute ... blah blah blah." Thanks mam, I'll probably take advantage of that in a few weeks. I'm really hurting now, can I get a key, some towels, and point me to the pool.

She takes my credit card payment. Asks me for my car keys as security for the locker key. Points me to the mens room and says that the pool is out the back of the mens room. She reminds me to shower first before going into the pool. I thank her and head to the changing area. As I pass the skinny people working out, all seeming to stare at me and my immensity, I think "hope I can do that some day."

I finally reach the dressing room. I sit down, just in time. Take a few minutes to gather my self and get my pain in control. I then attempt to change into the swim suit. Grrr, it seemed to fit better the last time I tried it on. I have to slide my fat to the side to get the suit in place. Then my fat tummy obstructs me from tying the suit. I decide that I can handle that when I get in the weight bearing water. I take a nice shower, using the handicap space, it has a seat - thank goodness.

Then the moment of truth approaches, I am going to have to go into the pool - almost naked. I start heading to the pool entrance and start to chicken out. To my right is a steam room, I'm saved, I duck into the fog filled space. I sit and catch my breath and courage. Well, I'm only 10 feet away from the pool, I can do this. I stand up. go out of the steam room, take a right and start the walk of embarrassment. I notice that the drop mats on the floor hurt my feet. The diabetes has made my feet and skin really tender. The distraction takes my mind away from overblown fears.

As I enter the swimming area, the coolness blasts me, almost pushing me off balance. I look around and realize that I am going to have to get into the water. People are looking at me, fewer in the room than I had expected. No one laughs. I walk to the pool edge and jump in. My feet barely touch the bottom, my fat buoys me up, I lose my balance, I bob around uncontrolled, it takes me a few moments to get my bearings.

I trudge over to the lap lanes, which are virtually empty. And I start moving. I just jump up and down back and forth, doing laps, keeping my body moving. I have a routine that I do, I'll share more about that in a later entry. The clock ticks slowly. I lose myself in the water and actually start having fun. It is wonderful, It does not hurt to be standing, I can move without causing horrible pressure and pain, I can move. Wow, it is thrilling and encouraging. All of a sudden it's has been one hour and fifteen minutes. I realize that I am feeling a little tired, so it's time to go. As I move to the exit, I realize that I am going to have to climb out of the pool.

Getting out of the pool was a scary experience. I grabbed the handles, tried to pull myself up, but I did not fit between the buggers, I am too wide!. My legs give out and I fall back into the water. Now I am gripped with fear, how am I going to get out of this pool? O look around and notice some stairs. I am saved. I bob over to the stairs and start getting out of the water. As I leave the supporting waters, gravity starts to take it's toll. I can barely move. I trudge to the dressing room. I barely make it to the showers, collapsing onto the chair in the stall.

I spent 15 minutes in the showers. It was really difficult getting the suit off. I didn't want to tear it because I need it for many more embarrassing moments in the future. I finally gather the strength and make my way to the dressing area. another 15 minutes to dry off and get dressed. I make my way to the front desk, get my car keys and head to my car.

The drive home was interesting. I didn't feel like I had done very much in the pool but every muscle is tired. It is difficult to steer the car. I make my way home and when I get into the house my Dad looked at me and said "I was getting worried about you. I thought something had happened to you. You have been gone for such a long time I was going to call and see if your were alright." I told Dad that I was fine, a little tired but fine.

When I got back into my room, I slumped into the easy chair and hardly moved for the rest of the day. I was tired, but I felt like I had made a victory. It had taken me 2 years and hundreds of worried nights, but I had gotten back into the pool again. I will swim one hour a day 5 - 6 times a week, for the rest of my life.