Day 29 - Use a Stick

Outside my house there are trucks grinding and purring. One has something that looks like a corkscrew, the bottle would have to be a big as a house. Another has poles on it, and yet another all kinds of equipment. To my delight the power company has been working on replacing some of the wooden relics that hold the power lines. If we have a wind storm that hits 40 mph the power fluctuations really confuse the clocks, computers, and anything else electronic.. A month ago I decided that it was not the trees but something in the lines or the power poles. Looks like I may have guessed right because they are replacing a few. When the next wind storm hits I'll get to see if all this work helps.

There was a truck double parked in front of the house. Dad & I had to wait for a young bearded guy to back up and let us out. I was really impressed with what those people have to do to replace a pole. Think about it, they don't even turn off our power. They work with those lines HOT. That is a job I would avoid even if it payed very well.

I was looking forward to working out today. I mean it, I was actually excited when the clock neared 2:30 pm. There were no fears of stares or hidden monsters jumping out of the dark. All I could think of was the freedom I feel when I walk down into the gravity releasing waters. There is another reason I look forward to my workouts. When my face is under water I can scream all I want and no one hears me. It is a fantastic way to vent anger and frustration. I also get to splash and slam the water with my hands and feet.


I remember when I was living with my Mom and two Brothers near Lake Sammamish. I was in my early teens and there were woods across the street from our place. I would go into those woods, grab a stick and smash everything in my proximity. I don't think I did any real damage. Just helped a few sticker bushes expand their influence and probably made weeds wish I was a rock. For me, it was a powerful and healthy way to release emotion without hurting family and friends. The water is a life renewing outlet for me.

As I recall pre-accident days. I used to look forward to my workouts in the gym, on the track, or in a pool. The physical exertion would serve as an outlet for emotion. I felt freer then, things did not bother me as much. If something was digging at me, I'd hit the road, pool, or weights. After an hour or two of hard work, the problems seemed smaller and solutions had a way of popping into my mind almost like an afterthought.


Our subconscious mind loves to solve problems for us. It does it's best work when our active mind is at rest or not occupied with concentration and computation. The adage "why don't you sleep on it" is an old saying but it has roots in this type of problem solving. When things get too hard, give life a little time to solve things for us. Distract yourself, it's not as bad as it seems, something will show up. When we step back from the problem, our subconscious gets a chance to take over and work it out for us.

Day 28 - How Far is a Mile?

When I woke up this morning I thought, hmmm, not bad. I'm a little sore but not looking forward to the grave. Which is a different experience. For the last 20 years I have hurt so bad that death seemed like a welcomed event. Of course I cannot do anything to hurry the process, it violates my personal morals. I remember one of my Physicians, Dr. Harvey Rose, from Sacramento. He was working on a book called "Deathly Exits." Which was a dissertation illustrating the unbelievable number of people who commit suicide because they cannot handle living in pain. It also talked about spouses who helped their significant other end their life to escape misery. Dr. Rose felt that the medical profession had missed the mark in caring for people with chronic pain.


As I was saying, this morning I woke up and actually felt like I could handle living. Yes, I still hurt but it was not so pervasive as to envelop me in constant thoughts of wanting to escape my body. When I have moments like this I want to freeze time. Obviously that is impossible, but if I could I would. As the day progressed I had my ups and downs. Then it was time to go do the workout. I almost talked myself out of visiting the facility because I didn't want to ruin my vacation. I was still in pain but it was not screaming at the moment. Habit won the battle and I walked to the car in spite of my preference.

Wednesday is Adults Only at Island Athletic. When I approached the key exchange counter I was actually surprised to see so many smiling faces. It seemed like everyone was on happy pills or something. As I hobbled to the dressing room I wondered, is this how the staff always looks? I guess I had not really taken the time to look that closely, too far in my own world. It was also interesting to see the faces of the patrons. Some were focused on their activity, jaws set with determination. Others quietly enjoying their independent world of exertion. No one was actively staring at me, even though I am probably the fattest guy they have every seen. I almost ran into someone that was coming out of the locker room. We scuttled sideways trying to decide who would be last to proceed. I'm not sure if either of us actually won when we passed each other.

When I did my workout I added a little more exertion to each movement. Which didn't seem as hard as it had been in the past. It tried to figure in my head how many laps it takes to travel a mile. WHen I was younger that type of computation was simple. Today, my mind is mushy and lazy, too many computers around I guess. I had to wait until I got in front of a keyboard to figure out things. The pool is 75 feet long. Which is the standard 25 yard length (Olympic pools are 25 or 50 meters). A mile is 5,240 feet. Divide that by 75 and it takes just under 70 lengths to equal a mile, 35 laps! Today I traveled 29 laps, 58 lengths, which is 83% of a mile.

I remember when I was able to do a mile in about 30 minutes. Today I spend one hour and only make it 4/5th of the way. I'm amazed I can do even that much exercise. When I first started I had a hard time even moving my body for an hour, the thought of trying to cover one mile was beyond imagination. This new perspective has given me some hope. I feel like I have been gaining ground. I am actually getting somewhere. Who knows, I might even be able to keep doing this program for another day or two.

How did I feel after the workout? Tired, sore, ready to get back into the reclining chair. How was my pain? Elevated, yet manageable. Not as pleasant as the morning, but not as bad as last week. Oh, may I never have a week like that one, again. I did survive it, barely.

Day 27 - I'm Still Here

I made it! I finally got back to this keyboard and I am actually making a Blog entry. Sorry for being so long between entries. As this Blog title indicates, I have been working out but not Blogging.

• Friday, Day 25 - Arrgh, pain, Grumpy, grrrr, leave me alone!

• Saturday, Day 25.1 - Nope I had a really bad day. Looked up at the clock, it was so late I just exhaled and told Dad I was not going to make it.

• Sunday, Day 25.2 - My day off, it's is my Sabbath and I always get this freebie. I am really glad it's here too. I know that I had a break yesterday, but I think I will benefit from this reprieve. I'm not giving up, just enjoying the time off.
  

• Monday, Day 26 - Gaining balance. I realized a few days ago that I had been doing things in my workout to make my tummy stronger but I didn't really have anything specific for the opposing muscles in my back. I have been having increased pain in my lower back, legs, etc. I have also noticed that I have been tending to walk a little hunched over. Standing up straight takes more effort than normal. So, on Wednesday or Thursday, I added a movement to make my lower back stronger. It is really strange. I am on my face, prone position, legs first, arms pushing away, legs lifted, back slightly arched. It is really hard to do, especially in the water. It's kind of like laying on your tummy lifting your head and legs at the same time. The benefit of the water is gravity is not as much of a problem. Breathing, on the other hand, or the lack thereof, is interesting. The other challenge is I am still trying to cross the pool while doing this movement. I must use my hands to handle propulsion, navigation, and balance maintenance. It is a challenge, but I can feel the muscles working so they are being targeted perfectly. If I were to do this on dry ground I don't think I could handle it without substantial discomfort. I'm just too fat to be rolling around on my belly doing stretches and lifts.
  

• Tuesday, Day 27 - I'm Still Here. Oh yeah, that is today's Blog. So I'll continue from here.

I think I have crossed through the Red Zone and come out the other side alive and well. Last week was...Umm..How do I put this into words without being rude, ROTTEN. It was a difficult week for me and any one that happened to cross my path. I did my best to be nice to people but my pain did the talking so much of the time I had to play my duck and avoid technique. When that failed I have to say "I'm sorry" as much as possible. If I missed anyone, let me speak up again:

Please forgive me for being rude to you and hurting your feelings. What I said or did had nothing to do with you and I am sorry that you were caught between me and my grumpiness.

Sure this apology will only reach those who read my Blog. I'll have to keep my eye out for people that are avoiding me, I'll tell them I am sorry too.

Am I through the Red Zone? How can I be sure, all I know is that in the past when I reached the 30-60 day workout point I have always had to give up because my pain was too difficult to handle. Right now I am feeling stable and like life still has something possible for me. I am still encouraged and feel like I can face going to the facility again for another workout. I will take things one moment at a time, for a long time, but at least I have the belief that there will be a future of exercise and returning health for me.

I do have something of a discovery. I have talked about the problem with swimmers and weight loss. There have been studies that note a difference between swimmers and other athletes. When most athletes finish their workouts they have a reduction of appetite for at least a few hours. Swimmers, on the other hand, tend to note an increase in appetite. Many state that they feel like they could eat a horse.

I have noticed that my appetite has increased after swimming. Many times I have struggled to keep from eating more than normal. At times the hunger gets so strong it can only be silenced by calories. I no longer seem to struggle with that problem! At least as it relates to increased eating because of working out in the water.

When I was doing my research I found articles that mentioned a few people thought the swimmer hunger issue could be because the water causes swimmer core temperatures to drop. The body compensates by requiring additional calories so it can raise the core temperature to normal. With this assumption in mind I have been going into the Sauna after my swim. I have found the pattern that works.

I get my towels from my locker. Yes, I need 2 towels, I am too fat for one to do any good. I take my shower. When I am clean and ready to get dressed I head into the sauna. I dry myself off, and sit in that heated room, 180 degrees Fahrenheit. I wait until my skin drys off completely, and small beads of sweat start to form. Another test is I put my dripping wet feet on the wall. The foot print eventually evaporates. When the foot print is gone, I can get out.

I do NOT take a cooling shower. I am not really hot, just comfortably warm. I dry any missed areas and get dressed. I am hungry when I leave the pool, but that is normal. I have always been hungry after a work out, any workout. However, I do not have that overwhelming hunger that makes me want to eat raw meat and double portions all day long.

Has this made a difference. I think so. In fact, my weight has dropped enough that I can actually see it register on the scale at Whidbey Athletic. This is a first for me. I am just barely above 161kg. That is 354.2 pounds in USA talk. I know that every scale is different and my weight is so high that I will have to use the same scale as a point of reference. I now have a scale that does not require a trip to the airport. Wahoo.

Day 24.2 - Addendum

Grumble, grumble, the words used to describe my original Blog entry for today. That is a fine description of my feelings. I went and started my workout today and ended up quitting 1/2 way through. At first I was not sure if I really wanted to talk about what happened, so I did a small Blog entry. I have reconsidered and decided to provide a brief description of the events from my perspective.

Brooke, asked us to move out of the swimming lanes, I think she felt caught in the middle. My problem, there was no where else to go, someone was already swimming in the other places and in walked the Physical Therapy people so the kid area was reserved for them. I started getting grumpy and decided that I had better leave before I had to apologize to the entire world.

Before leaving, I had a collision of words with another patron. He decided that Dad & I should leave the lane because it was for swimming laps and Dad’s walking and my walking/swimming did not fit his idea of allowed use for the “reserved lanes.” I suggested that he use the other lane and share with the person who was also swimming, he refused. I think what was really going on is he wanted the lane because it was his favorite and he was being a jerk, using some strange rule to get what he wanted. Or he could have been so rigid in his thinking and decided that it was his responsibility to order the pool around to his preferred format. He made a statement that he had been there for eight years and that is how things have always been.

Here is a graphic to illustrate the situation. Dad & I are indicated by Yellow. The swimmers are light and dark green. Physical Therapy - Therapist and Patient are purple. The man who I called a jerk is Red. Oh, Brooke is Pink.

Day 24.1 - Grumble, Grumble

Grumble, grumble, I was only able to do 1/2 of a workout today. There was a problem that caused me to have to quit early. It happens to everyone, why should I escape the challenges of life. Wish I could, well...perhaps not, I don't know if living in a dream world is really worth it or not. Life's challenges give us the opportunity to grow, learn, and improve. If everything is perfect, where would the stimulus to change come from?

I am feeling grumpy tonight, so I have been hiding out and avoiding people. I prefer to be silent versus letting my pain and grumpiness do the talking. After a good night's sleep, a back rub from my personal masseuse, brunch in New York, and a nice ride in my limo, I'll feel just fine. Wait a moment, I guess I'll have to let reality poke it's head in. I'll rephrase that list with what really happens. After getting through the night, scratching my back on the door jamb, figuring out what to eat in the morning, and catching a ride with Dad to Island Athletic, I should do OK.

As for now. I've finished 24 workout's, I'm still here, I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I guess everything is going according to the plan. Sounds like an accomplishment to me, I'll take it!

Day 22 - Procrastination

Ever since my Blog entries for day 19 I have conveniently found reasons to delay making new ones. Yes, I did do my workout on Saturday - #20, and again on Monday - #21. However, I put off Blogging each day until night had fallen and I was saved by the bell - time to sleep. Each morning I woke with the intent of grabbing the keyboard and each night I felt the pangs of guilt and self disappointment.

What has caused this procrastination? What has led to my putting off typing a few sentences and hitting the enter key? Fear and dread! Pure and simple. I'm sure we have known people who are superstitious. You know what I am talking about. The baseball pitcher who makes specific movements before each pitch. The basketball player who never changes his favorite, albeit stinky, socks. To make it more personal, who has thrown salt over their shoulder after spilling some on the table. Or used the term "knock on wood."

Superstition can be caused by stories from family or individuals in our lives. We can also develop our own as we start to develop habits and feel like something is missing if the habitual behavior is interrupted. Some people can become overwhelmed by compulsive actions. There is another kind of superstition that is even more effective at controlling our lives. We can actually cause things to happen because we expect it to be. For example, some man decides that he is going to get fired, so he starts getting angry at his employer and within a few weeks his actions cause the eventual loss of a job.

I have been worried about my own life coming to disaster because I have reached the 30 - 60 day red zone. I talked about it in my Day 19 Blog. Ever since that entry I have felt dread and fear. I have been so worried that I have not been able to write in fear of making anything happen to cause me to fail. After my Day 19 workout my pain was substantially higher. I worked out on Saturday anyway and my pain did not reduce appreciably throughout that day. Sunday, I rested and my pain did go down a little. My spine, legs, head and neck have been on fire and dull of spasms on and off for almost a week.

By the time Monday rolled around I did notice a drop in my baseline discomfort. Working out did not help. Today is Tuesday. I woke and felt fairly good. Within 30 minutes my pain was almost unmanageable. I felt like sleeping most of the day. Dad & I went to the facility at 2:30pm and I started my normal routine. To my disappointment a child did a Technicolor Yawn into the pool and it had to be closed for cleaning and disinfecting. So we only got to put in 30 minutes of our 60 minute program.

I have decided that I will not allow those fears to control my actions. I am going to keep recording my experiences and simply proceed minute by minute. If my pain is higher I'll deal with it when it happens. I have confidence that at some point my body will reach a balance and things will improve. To my benefit I have a supporting environment at home and family members who understand that when my pain is high I just don't participate in light banter, I grumble and apologize later. I am grateful for their understanding which is enabling be to continue this program of working out 5-6 times a week.

I do have a positive thing to report. My father has been working out also. He has missed a few days here and there, so have I now that I think about it. He tells me that his knees are getting stronger and he actually is starting to notice a drop in pain and weakness. That is wonderful. It encourages me to know that he is seeing such wonderful benefits after less than two months of effort. I am looking forward to seeing what happens in another two months.

In talking to others I have learned that most people experience positive benefits within 30 - 60 days of starting an exercise program. In fact, most find that their energy levels are increased, endurance, strength, and overall health are improved. They get more things done, even though they have used up time working out. It's like a wonder drug, which make me chuckle. All these drug companies spending billions of dollars developing wonder drugs and this one is free. Yes it does take time and initial discomfort. But the side effects are amazing. With drugs there are always negative side effects. With exercise, the negative is in the beginning and the positive lasts as long as people keep up the activity.

When I got out of the pool I showered, did the sauna thing, dressed and headed back to the waters edge. I wanted to get a look at the bugger when no one was in it. There is something calming about a still swimming pool. It's not like looking at a campfire or sunset but it's peaceful to me. I even took a little video of the view for the benefit of my Blog.

Day 19 - The Red Zone

It's Friday, the sky is Blue and Grey and I've done 19 work outs. That is some kind of a record, hey Guinness, write me up. The fat man who actually worked out 19 times in less than 40 days. And, if you want to make this world shaking event even more impressive, I accomplished this amazing feat of human determination in the middle of the Christmas & New Year celebrations, kids visiting, and even getting sick for a week. OK, so it's nothing special and I'll get awards from imaginary people. It is still an achievement for me.

Now comes the real test of my determination. I think I mentioned in an earlier Blog that I usually reach a point where I cannot work out anymore because my pain climbs too high. For the last 20 years that threshold has been reached in the 30 - 60 day window. Since I have already been doing this program for a month, I am officially in the red zone. I have actually been nervous because of the historical experiences, don't they usually act as good indicators of future potential? Look at the Farmers Almanac, that book is highly accurate at predicting weather for the entire planting and harvesting year. It is based on historical patterns.

I also know that living, thinking, emotional beings tend to be controlled by their past. They go through life using past experience to determine behavior in the present. Some people call this living within a box or learned behavior. It's like a dog that has lived on a chain for 10 years. Cut the chain, they will still operate within the boundaries of the chained area. My goal is to break that pattern and create a new pathway for my self. I am determined to learn from my past and to create a new future.

I have a multi-step plan in place.

1. When I get the fears in my mind about the 30-60 day exercise limitation, I change the subject and tell myself that I am different today and I will have a new future.
2. When working out I will hold myself back and prevent pushing so hard that I cause an escalation of pain. I have time, I can accomplish my goals slowly. No need to rush into problems.
3. When working out 1 hour a day 5 -6 times a week I will concentrate on being relaxed and releasing my tensions. By letting go of my stress it no longer causes me to tense and tighten.

There are more, but this is part of my plan. I have thought through my last 20 years of struggle and one thing that was consistent throughout, was my management of stress. I held things in and it caused me to tense up. I also pushed myself to the limit every time I worked out. I now see that those things were key elements that spelled failure.

Does that mean that everyone who starts a workout program should behave like me? That would be silly. I think Dr. Call's suggestion of exercising 1 hour a day 5-6 times a week is a perfect formula for renewed health, vigor, and extended life. What people do in their workout's is a personal choice. If they have a problem of starting and then giving up, that is where they need to focus. Make a change that will help to assure continuation.

What happened today? I worked out and felt pretty good after. I was able to do my routine without great difficulty. In fact, I actually did three sets today. When I first started I did one set and a little more. So I feel that finishing three is great. It took about 10 minutes more than an hour.

Dad was not able to do his program today. He had life get in the way. He did mention to me that he has noticed some nice side effects from his workouts. Being a diabetic he has curculation problems in his legs and feet. The skin is dry, scaly, and tender feet. He also bruises easily and heals slowly. I know that many diabetics end up having such poor circulation that they have to have toes or more amputated. Dad has been seeing better circulation in his feet and legs. The scales on his feet are disappearing, his feet are not as tender, and his skin color is improved. He is able to walk better and with less discomfort. A large part of this improvement is from doing the water walks.

After talking to my Father I could not stop thinking about what this could mean for other diabetics. What if they also went to the water and walked for an hour a day. Of course they would have to start out small at first. Dad only did a few laps and rested in between many times. In fact, his first few work outs were only 20 minutes. He has built up over time and now does almost an entire hour without needing to stop and rest. What if other diabetics did the same? If they are not comfortable in the water, they could wear flotation equipment.

For me, and Dad, the great benefit in the water is the ability to move freely with little or no stress from gravity. It allows me to move around easily without getting tired or hurt. Also, it is improving our overall health and stamina. I'm excited, I am looking forward to tomorrow, it is day 20, that is going to be a really great day.

Day 17 - The Tears Returned

On Day 15 I mentioned how surprised I was at the ease at returning to the work out routine after a week's hiatus. Well, I have had two more days of workouts now and I am beginning to wonder if I was imagining things.

At first things went great today. I walked in, small talked with a few people at the front counter. I even met Kimmie, a person that has left a few comments in the Blog. Being Wednesday, it's Adults Only day at the facility, the water was almost still. I felt like I was the only person there.

My normal workout seemed fine. In fact, I felt tired but encouraged, so I stayed in the water for a few extra minutes. Then, when I reached the stairs to exit the pool, gravity took it's toll on my wonderful experience. I felt like I weighed 1,000 pounds. OK, so I do weigh almost that much, but still, it felt worse than normal. When I reached the dressing room I was almost pushed over by the difference of temperature from the pool area. I took my shower and headed to the Sauna, I wanted to spend a few minutes in there to try and raise my core temp. As I sat on the warm wooden bench, heat drying beads of moisture off of my back, I was overcome with emotion. I sobbed for at least 5 minutes. I was relieved that no one came into the heated space while I was overcome.

I felt so tired that I wondered how I was going to get dressed. After a few more minutes I regained my control, took a deep breath, and headed to my locker. To my relief there was no one there most of the time while I dressed.


When I got to the counter I exchanged keys and Dad was ready and waiting to go home. I asked him to drive and I sat and moped. I realized that I was not only tired but also overwhelmed with self dislike. I no longer have the confidence I had in my youth. Striking conversations with people is difficult, or nearly impossible most of the time. If someone talks to me, I try to communicate but quickly lose track and cannot figure out what to say to keep in the person to person communication. Normally, I'll try to be polite and then seek a reason to exit as soon as possible. Talking about this really uncomfortable for me, especially since I know that others may read these words. I am hoping that somehow my honesty will help someone else that identifies with my experience, and they will benefit somehow.

I may find it difficult to communicate with others. I may not like my appearance. I may not even know what I am doing in this world. However, I will no longer hide and let these feelings keep me from experiencing health, success, and joy in life. I have been shut out from the world for so many years I guess I have gotten out of touch. My appearance and pain tends to hold me back. That is why I have started this one hour a day 5 - 6 times a week exercise program. It's a step toward getting back my life. I am expecting that over time my other challenges will peel away and become my past and no longer my present or future.

I just wish it was faster. I have been doing this program for a month, 17 actual work out days, I'm not skinny yet. I don't look any different at all. Gee, in this instant society, why can't I just turn the dial on my microwave and get skinny in 30 minutes. They do it on TV all the time!

Day 15 - I made it!

When Monday morning peeked into my brain fear and anxiety came with it. I've been sick for a week, now it's time to get back to working out. All morning long thoughts drained my resolve. By the time 2:30pm arrived I was ready to hide under the covers and forget the day. Then that little voice in the back of my head whispered, "Do you really want to give up now? You have already gone through the worst part, this will be easy."

That moment I grabbed my phone, called Dad and asked if he was planning on working out today. He resounded to the positive. "I'll be out in a few minutes," I grumbled. I packed up my roll away bag, walked into the living room and got a first look outside. Wind, rain, mud puddles, goey, sticky, rotten day. I thought "I have got to be insane to go outside today." Then I started to chuckle, as I thought about the people that run for their health. They will be faced with a horrid choice, getting wet or giving up. I will get wet, and love every moment of it. My step quickened and my mood lifted.




Arriving at Island Athletic my mood shifted. I started to get nervous. The lot was jammed. In fact I do not recall ever seeing so many cars. Visions of people staring and laughing at me flooded over me. My fear grew and my legs refused to take the first step. Then my weight started to shift forward and I was forced to walk or fall flat on my face. The process continued until I reached the entrance. I guess being fat has it's benefits after all.





When I opened the front door all I saw were smiling faces. 2 or 3 people said, "Hello Miles." "good to see you," "I heard you were sick - feeling better?" What a wonderful change of perception for me. Instead of frowns and stares I received smiles and kind words. Thanks!

I was surprised at my workout. I expected to be in trouble because of the week of inactivity. I did not have any unusual challenges at all. I went through the routine like a clock ticking to oblivion. To my surprise the hour ended really fast. Getting dressed was strange. For some reason I could not get my clothes on like I expected. My arms were much weaker than normal and my hands had a hard time grasping. When I got home I started to feel the effects of the work out. I was sore and tired. Not as simple as I had thought. I did it though! I am relieved & excited. Now all I have to do is get to the facility on Tuesday. I'll worry about that later.

Day 14.6 - I hope I can return Monday

I'm still sick, I guess it's one of those 7 day or one week virus's I don't know which of the two I have. I'll settle for it being 1/4th of the month. I want to go jump in and start working out right now. Logic tells me that it's best to let my body use it's strength to heal. I dunno. One thing is for sure, if Superman likes the water it's gotta have some good in it.

Day 14.5 - Still Sick

I'm still sick. Nope, I am not getting cold feet, just a cold in me nose. After consulting with the powers that be, (Mom & Dad) I realize that it is a good idea to give my body time to regain it's strength. I have actually been missing the water, the soreness, and the tiredness. I am looking forward to getting back on track as soon as I can. In the mean time I'll keep smiling, or at least thinking one step at a time.

Today, my Father went to the pool to do his work out. He put on his suit, showered, and walked to the pool, then he realized that the facility was reserved for the swim team. He had to get dressed and go home disappointed. I give him 5 stars for going! What was even more exciting, Ginny, Dad's beautiful spouse, spent some time on the work out machines. I am excited. I feel like I have companions with me in my quest. It almost feels like a group effort.

As each person sets a personal commitment for personal improvement it becomes real, one step at a time. And the strength of the Couch Potato Brigade weakens.

I was just looking at the comments and there is a new one. "Eagle Maiden" just wrote that she is on day three at her gym. That is exciting. I am looking forward to hearing back from her and cheering her on as she reaches, 10 days, 15, and more. Keep it up Deb, I love you.



I wonder who will be next to start doing 1 hour a day 5 - 6 times a week? What does not matter. It could be splashing in the pool, riding on a stationary bike, using a treadmill, walking around the block, running the track, rowing a boat, jumping rope, hopping a pogo stick, or flipping on a trampoline. What does not matter, just doing anything is the key to health, happiness, and the golden ring.

Day 14.333333 - Almost Made It

I did it! I packed up my roll away bag, grabbed the keys, and walked out the door. Sick or not, I have to do my work out. When I got in the man-made puddle, the cool waters seemed to speak to me. "What are you doing here, it's cold, wet, and noisy. " I got into one of my favorite lanes and started my routine. After 10 minutes my tummy started groaning. By the time 20 minutes has elapsed I felt like I was headed to the hospital. I had to stop my intentions and renegotiate the terms of my plan.

I languished in the water for quite a while thinking about my options. I could keep puyshing my body and end up passing out or tossing up that pizza that I ate 30 years ago (see my blog earlier today). Or I could even end up needing help and I could suffer the ultimate humiliation as a dozen people try to lift 350 pounds of slippery, squishy, dripping, embarrassment. I felt like I was watching a horror movie.

Finally I calmed down and decided that I would get dressed and head home. As I left the water I kept my mind focused on the next step in front of me. Each step led to another. I showered, walked to the dressing room, and sat on the bench. After a few minutes rest I got my clothes and towels out of the locker. Another few minutes rest. Then I did my best to dry myself off. Due to habit, I shuffled to the mirrored counter and used the hair dryer, that lasted about 15 seconds. Still wet, I sat back down and dressed anyway. I grabbed my stuff and headed for the car.

Somehow I made it home. It';s been a few hours and I feel a little better now. It sure was a challenging day. We all have them. Instead of worrying about what was I will think about what will, meaning I look forward to tomorrow - it will be my 15th workout. I figure today counts even though it only lasted 20 minutes. I did what my body allowed. That should be enough - I'm satisfied.

Day 14 - I'm going to try

It's 2:10pm, I usually head to the pool at 2:30pm. I am still sniffling and aching but I want to try and do my work out.

I do not really know what is best in this situation, so I'll fall back to my youth. When I was on the swim team I do not remember missing work outs because of the sniffles. I do recall eating pepperoni pizza with Jalapeños and lots of the red dry pepper stuff on top. In my mind I was going to burn the cold out of my body. I'd eat the pizza, wait 15 minutes and head to the pool. I never got the famed "cramps" that movies use when people eat before going into the water. I'll find out if my young behavior was right. I'll skip the pizza, it just does not sound that appetizing, the peppers would make my yummy ache, even if I felt good. I'll let you know what happens when I get back.

Day 13 - Saturday Fun

Well, well, well, I have almost made it over the hump. It takes a month to make something a habit and I am now looking at 13 days under my belt, so to speak. I don't usually wear a belt though, they don't flex enough to accommodate my ever changing fat formations. You may not know what I mean unless you have been as fat as me. Turn too fast and you just keep going with or without desire. I've got a question for you! How do you know you are getting too fat? Answer: when turning sideways no longer helps.

Friday night I went to bed early, Saturday I woke up late. It felt like I just could not get going. I worked out anyway, it was a struggle. When I got home all I wanted to do was sleep. By Sunday morning, I was coming down with a cold. Sore throat, ache all over, and eyes that feel like a sandy walk way. I felt like sleeping most of the day, so that is what I did.

My concern is that Monday is here and I don't want to lose my focus by staying home sick. I'm going to try and keep my commitment anyway. I expected to have obstacles when I started this health program. So this will be a little speed bump on my way to the highway of health.

I have been thinking about self destructive behavior. I find it interesting that as a general rule people tend to celebrate by being self destructive. Some like to party with Alcohol or drugs, others celebrate with desserts, even others reward their great success by becoming couch potatoes. I wonder why we tend to celebrate by intentionally doing things that will damage our bodies. It's like saying, hey body, you really helped me through that tough time so I'll reward you with even harder things to deal with. I'll spend the week end blowing away brain cells and you can work double time trying to rid my digestive tract with sludge.

I really is strange. Knowing that New Year resolutions are usually wishes that later become guilt, I will make a resolution to set no goals because of the turn of the year. However, since I am nearing the 1/2 way point for setting a new habit I will start a new goal. I will reward my self with good things in the future. When I accomplish, strive, or succeed, I will amply reward my body for helping me through the tough times. Forget chocolate pies, milk shakes, and week-ends on the sofa. Instead I'll spend an extra 30 minutes working out or doing something good for my body. It's the only one I have so I might as well help it as it helps me. That is my new goal.

Note: I'm not ready to give up ice cream, it's just too nummy. However, I will NOT use it as a reward. Does that mean I should punish myself by eating it? Nope, that seems even worse. I'll just eat it every once in a while for no special reason. Truth is I'm not really craving it and other sweets as much as I used to. I have lost my immense cravings because of the nutrient capsules that Dad & Ginny had me start taking. I have also noticed a better attitude and over all feeling of well being. I don't know what they are, I just know that for the first time in years I feel like I can actually accomplish something.



PS: Dad just called me and suggested that I not go work out today. He said that I should not stress my immune system so soon. I will concede to his wisdom, he is my Daddy after all. I'll spend the day blowing my nose till it's sore, resting or sleeping, and I'll cross my fingers about tomorrow.

I actually feel like I'm going to miss something. Wow, that is interesting, I am actually going to miss my workout. Which is a wonderful change of emotion compared to how I felt before I started this program. I felt guilt, relief from fear, and all round self loathing. I no longer feel the fear as strongly when I go to the facility. I don't know about the guilt yet. Self loathing, well, I'll not comment on that today.

Day Twelve - A New Year of Living

On swim day eleven I noticed that my bouyancy in the water seemed to be different. It felt like my right side was floating and my left side was sinking. Made for a strange day in the water. Most people think that the more weight you have the faster you sink in the water. The reverse is what really happens. Skinny people tend to sink and fatties like me float. In fact, if you ever find yourself on the Titanic, jump overboard with a couple of fatties. You can use them for life saving flotation. Lash a few together and you could build a raft. It might giggle as you walked around bare footed, but it would be soft and buoyant.

The last few weeks have been a blur. The kids flew home to Arizona yesterday. I crawled home after dropping them off. For some reason the drive to the airport really takes my energy. My pain is so high that the last 45 minutes of the trip is like a torture chamber from my worst nightmare. When my pain gets that bad my only escape is sleep. I think my body helps out because when I hurt that bad I find myself waking up, I don't even remember falling asleep.

Just before I started this life saving program of consistent exercise I had visited the airport. I was dropping the kids off after their turkey day visit. I stepped up on one of the baggage scales and Bryce read my weight. He remembers it saying 363. I am not sure, I have a vague thought of it saying 359.5. The fun part is what happened when I dropped them off this time. Bryce asked me if I wanted to step on the scale again. We had to go to a different airline because Alaska Air's scales stop reading at 250lbs. Which is what most home scales top out at. We found a different airline with bigger scales. I stepped up, held my breath and crossed my fingers. He said "358 Dad." That means I lost 2-5 pounds. I'm excited that I didn't gain. If that process continues and I lose 2 pounds a month I will be 25 pounds lighter in a year. If I lose 5 pounds a month the numbers get even bigger.

Today, when I walked into the swimming area I noticed that Brooke was the lifeguard. She has been missing for a few weeks. I like to have her on duty because she has an infective smile. Now that I think about it, most of the staff at Island Athletic like to smile. They are helpful, kind, and amazingly considerate. I have been noticing their positive attitude more as my fear gets smaller. In the past I have been filled with so much self dislike that I thought everyone saw me the same way. I'm discovering that most people are worried about their own issues and don't really even notice my immensity walking to the dressing room.

I am looking forward to tomorrow, I get to spend another hour in my swim suit.